hold my hand

  Hold my hand and never let me go.

Thanksgiving

I never really get to express thanks for the most mundane things in my life that i take for granted, and this is a day dedicated just for that (: and to all of the things i am consciously and constantly thankful for, as well.   I am thankful that I live in a town like vernon hills, which is extremely affluent compared to the majority of the world.  I am thankful that i have things like running hot water, a cozy bed, and a room all to myself.  I am thankful for my mom and dad and sister and grandma, whom I never appreciate as much as I should.  They are truly amazing.  I am thankful for my friends, who are more like sisters to me.  I am thankful that they are a good group of people who dont drink or do other unhealthy things.  I am thankful for matt, who can always put a smile on my face.  I am thankful that my family has enough money to send me to a decent college.  I feel like I have waayyy too much to be thankful for, and I thank God for all of that.  My life has really been blessed.  And sometimes I just dont realize that fact. But now, today, Im acknowledging my life is good.  Its really good (:

Dear friend,

I love you to death, and you'll always be one of my best friends.  And really, I dont know what my life would be like without you.  But at the same time, I always feel like Im being judged or criticized when Im with you.  And it just makes hanging out with you exausting.  I wish that I could be myself more around you, but I just cant.  I dont know why.  Its not your fault at all, its mine.  And im sorry for that.  Because I have been subconsciously pushing you away, and you dont deserve it.  Its just that I sometimes feel like our friendship can be a tad bit toxic, and I wish it werent so.  I know it shouldnt be like this, and a christian friend should always love one another.  (I do love you, i really do, its just hard for me to show it sometimes?)  I feel like I shouldnt post this. I might not.  but i feel like I have to say it to you... sort of an explanation for last bible study.  And please dont feel bad when  you read this, because its my lack of self-confidence, not you, thats causing this.

love, jenn

Criticisms

Some days, I hear the same criticisms over and over again.  Im a tease.  Im fake.  Ive changed.  Im not who I used to be.  And some days, it really hurts.  and on others, i've just grown so immune to it, it doesnt phase me anymore.  And ive tried to change.  Really.  I have.  Just everytime I try, I try too hard, and end up questioning everything i do, everything i say, and wonder, what will people say about me?  And its exhausting. and depressing.  because I can never be the girl I used to be. 

I hate who I am now.  Because I am everything I get criticized for, and it bothers me that I cant change.  But most of all, I hate that Im losing friends because of it. 

I WILL try to change, but I wouldnt have any high expectations.  Im sorry.  I really am.  But sometimes, I just really dont care anymore. 

Would I Kill Hitler?

I have always been vehemently opposed to murder, no matter what the circumstance.  From cold-blooded murder to the death sentence, I do not believe it is the decision of anybody on Earth to make.  Human life is sacred, and not a single person has the right to decide if another person has the ‘right’ to live.  Recently, though, a friend asked me a difficult question.  If I was a German soldier and knew of Hitler’s plans to kill all of those Jews and I had an opportunity to shoot Hitler before any of it happened, would I?  It would be saving thousands of lives by ending one life, but could I kill him? I still do not have the answer to that question.  If I decided that I would not kill Hitler, would it be because of my morals or because I would be too cowardly to pull the trigger?  Would my morals be skewed if I chose to not to actively end one life, but as a result ended thousands of innocent lives?  If I had the chance, would I kill Hitler?  I do not know.

Pokemon and other random questions

I love that we can spend almost an hour just asking each other random silly things.  Things like... what are the 150 characters of Pokemon (he could name them all), or who the greek goddess of the hearth is.  And it wasnt anything sensual, we were just having fun testing each others knowledge of the other person's world.  And you would think it would get somewhat boring after awhile, but neither of us wanted to stop.  I think the hardest part of hanging out with you is that you never let me go home... for a good 15 minutes.  Ill get up, but you'll pull me back down, or tickle me, or throw me back on the couch.  and tonight was just a really good night with you. they always are (:

If you could read my mind

Im sorry that I sometimes scare you, but trust me, I love you.  And I know that I hang out with guys alot, but I if you could see my thoughts, you would be assured that YOU are the only one I want.

Benedict

Ben is writing a little thing about each girl that he's had a relationship/been connected/had a fling with on his tumblr... and he's done with all of them except mine. which is apparently a couple paragraphs long, describing our entire relationship since 2nd grade from his point of view.  Im kinda obsessed with him finishing it soon. like ive been on his tumbr a couple times a day to see if he's finished.  and i feel quite stalkerish. But i want to hear it from his perspective... I know there will be parts I dont want to hear (because Ive treated him like crap), and he is a brutally honest person... but I cant help but be obsessed with reading it.

Downtown

I absolutely love Christmas...  I am one of those people who turns on Christmas music the minute it starts playing, and it makes me infinitely happy when houses are decorated this early!  My family and I went downtown today to see the tree lighting.  All the stores are all dressed up for the holiday season too, its extremely joyful and merry (:

Christmas?

Today, my mother asked me and steph what we wanted for Christmas.  And being the slightly spoiled child that I am, have nothing to ask for because I have everything I need.  And im not just saying that... my parents will essentially let me buy anything (within reason).  So when it comes to Christmas, there's nothing I want. And i really try not to seem or act spoiled... but the truth is, I can't say that Ive never been deprived of something that I have really wanted because of monetary reasons.  And my dad has recently gotten in touch with some of his family who live in the phillipines, and they asked him to send them some hand-me-down clothes and other stuff we dont really use anymore.  It got me thinking... Ive got blood-relations who really dont have the means or money to buy enough clothes.  And I've got clothes that I never wear that still have the tags on them... there is something wrong with that picture. So this year for Christmas, I really want our family to do something different.  I want us to spend the money we would usually spend on each other on presents to family that really need them.